Ladies and gentlemen -- the draft is complete!

I'm rethinking what I want to do with this blog. Stay tuned for changes.

I'm managing to write a little bit most days. Am looking for a few days between now and the 31st during which I can pull out all the stops and write the big chunks that will get this thing done. I've got 16 days to choose from...

Here's what I'm gonna do tonight without apology or guilt: curl up with a book and read.

Hello to all my few, faithful readers.

Sorry I haven't posted anything lately, but I haven't had a whole lot to say. Any extra time I get I use to write the novel. With luck, I'll be posting soon about my completed draft!

I did spend a fascinating morning a few weekends ago at Forest Hill Cemetery in Utica courtesy of Frank Calidonna, who gave my friend Becky and I a terrific tour. Perhaps one day soon I'll post some reflections and photos from that tour. If you read this, Frank, thanks again!

I finally finished the section in which my main character finds herself in a pit of horrors and is forced to make the definitive choice of her life. This is a scene I've envisioned from the novel's inception and it's weird, in a good way, to realize it, along with several other key, long envisioned scenes, are done.

It almost doesn't feel real. I suspect it'll hit me that they're actually out of my head and in fixed external form when I go back and read them, which I won't do until this draft is complete.

About 30 more pages should do it. My new goal is the end of October. Wish me luck!

Instead of me nattering on about how my writing is going (for those who are interested, it is going :-) I've decided to post a link to Frank Calidonna's blog here. You may remember I referenced him in one of my older posts. We've recently been in email communication and are discussing the possibility of his serving as a tour guide for me when I visit Forest Hill Cemetery in Utica, NY, sometime this fall. I've never visited it but he assures me it has great Victorian detail and ambiance.

I can really relate to the thoughts he's expressed in his blog about both funerary art and the artistic process.

Particularly apropos to an important scene in my novel is this line from his blog: "How do I feel when being stared down by an angel?"

As it happens, Lenore (my main character) is walking through a cemetery when she finds herself standing beneath the gaze of a stone angel, which she imagines to be following her. Drama ensues in which the angel begins weeping blood and Lenore has a visceral flashback to a half-remembered episode of violence and death in her youth, followed by meltdown complete with running, terror and fainting at the feet of the man intent on helping her.

Does it sound melodramatic? It sort of is, but I've always intended the story, which has a mostly contemporary sensibility, to wander into the realms of the death-obsessed and gothic.

And I'm not doing this for the sole purpose of being sensationalistic. I really do believe how one relates to death has everything to do with how one relates to life. And in this culture we're not much related to death at all. Mostly we're in denial, or at least this is my theory.

Hopefully I'll be able to pull this all off in the context of the story. If not, I'll have given myself one helluva ride trying.

Today was back-to-work full time for the school year.

But, I'm still a writer!

I will write at least one paragraph tonight before going to sleep to keep this reality alive.

For the past several days I've been measuring my progress in paragraphs, with today being the most productive at one page. At least I'm moving forward.

What's interesting is the scene I'm working on is the pivotal scene at the end of the story that I've been imagining for years. The essence of how it's playing out is as I've always imagined it, with a few variations in detail. I've also had a few moments in the writing of it where I've experienced a resonance -- a tapping into something elusive, something I'd wanted to tap into but didn't know how -- and it's given me a rush of gooseflesh.

This is good. This is very, very good.

And maybe this is why I need to take this scene slowly.

In a side note, I've been doing some of my writing in longhand, and in cemeteries. There's a great cemetery within walking distance of my home and I feel relatively safe there. Not so at the cemetery I went to today -- Oakwood in Syracuse -- which is a shame because it and Glenwood cemetery in Oneida are the inspiration for the cemetery in my novel. Oakwood has magnificent old monuments, and the landscape was designed by the same gentleman who designed Central Park in Manhattan (I think, but don't quote me on that). Unfortunately, it's fallen to weather, time and vandalism and the poor Historic Oakwood Cemetery Preservation Association has all it can do to keep ahead of major disintegration. During the summer the association sponsors tours, many of which I've attended. I have a vision for when I'm successfully published, (about which I'm pretty serious), in which I hold a one-day writers' day camp in the cemetery, with all the proceeds going to HOCPA. I even found the perfect location to conduct the camp while I was there today. But I don't feel safe staying there too long by myself. It's right next to Syracuse University and is within walking distance of other, unsavory, Syracuse locales.

Since coming to terms with my situation the writing's been slow. The good thing is I'm working on a scene that requires some sensitivity and thought, which means I should be taking it slow.

Perhaps everything is working out for the best, I dunno. I just know I'm not gonna quit, however long it takes. Tonight that's the only thing I know for sure.

You're probably wondering what happened to me.

In a nutshell, I discovered I'm not as close to finishing the draft as I've been crowing about. This produced two results that I'm vowing to put behind me as of today:

1. A deflation of writing energy bordering on discouragement

2. Embarrassment and, yes, shame that I'm yet again failing to meet my end goal

I imagine the people around me secretly thinking, 'Oh, like Jennifer's ever going to finish her book. What a joke.'

For all I know people might be thinking this, and there isn't a thing I can do about it if they are, but more than likely these thoughts I imagine them thinking are my thoughts that I'm projecting onto them.

There's no point dwelling on any of this. Today it's just going to be me and the blank page, as it will be tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And one day soon I will haul my limping, bloody carcass over the finish line, this I vow, even if it takes me 50 years to do so!

(P.S. I know I have a number of friends who support me and believe in me completely, and to them I extend my deepest gratitude, particularly to Jim who took the time to read 20+ recent pages of the draft and to meet with me this past Fri. to offer feedback and encouragement)

In the course of writing today I had a plot insight that should take me through to the end. This is good, although the insight doesn't include the complete cause-and-effect chain that makes this event inevitable and logical. I should be able to link that all together during the revisions/editing stage. I hope.

Ugh... falling behind in updating the blog.

I have been writing -- about 800 words over the weekend, just over 500 so far today. I'm going to try for more later.

Right now I'm feeling rather entangled in my own plot. Must take a break and try to decide in which direction to unravel it.

Reporting in with just a handful of sentences again. Not gonna beat myself up about it. Had a slightly unsettling encounter at work, after which I had to proctor the Regents. I'd hoped to get some writing done during the proctoring, but the encounter left me stewing a while. Tomorrow's the last day of my summer job, so yay! No more work-related excuses.

Yesterday I made my five sentences -- more than five, actually. I know from past experience that when I get hung up like that where I'm terrified to move forward the best thing for me to do is to lower my expectations, just enough so that it's safe to budge. Then, once I've budged, it's usually just a matter of time until I'm up to speed again.

Such ridiculous mind games I have to play with myself. But hey, whatever it takes!

I did write today as well. I'm not up to speed but I did put myself in a great position to really go for it tomorrow, at the end of which I will report in!

I figure I'm within ten good writing days of completing the draft.

Today so far is not a good writing day.

I've just spent the past few hours staring at the blinking cursor, hopping online to distract myself from the fear, going back to staring at the cursor, eating something to bury the fear, driving to the public library (where I am as I type this) to return books but really to avoid facing the fear.

This is ridiculous.

Okay, I'm setting the following goal for myself: Before I go to bed this evening I will write five sentences. They don't have to be good. They don't have to be literate. I just have to write. five. sentences.

About 700 words for the day, and I finished a tricky scene. I'm trying to decide if I want to push myself to write more tonight or save the start of the new scene for tomorrow. I'll see...

Oh, wow. A good burst of writing and over 800 words, just like that! Yay!

Thanks to Polly for the nudge! Yes, I have been remiss in updating the blog. I think it's because I've been experiencing a slight down-surge of energy and have not been hitting my daily writing goals the way I want to.

But, I have been writing! About 600 words yesterday. The day before a few sentences (considering where my head was at that day a few sentences was an accomplishment :-) Prior to that I had a few 300-word days. Progress, I guess.

I'm gonna shoot for 600 today.

Will report in later...

1000 words today. This is good because for the past several days, once I knew I wasn't going to make my goal, I let the word count fall off.

I'm gonna keep pushing for 1000, but if I don't make that some days I'm not going to do any hand-wringing or guilt-tripping. As my dear friend, Lori, says -- it'll get done in its perfect time :-)

I'm not gonna finish by the end of the month.

I'm not happy about this. But, other than a few no-writing bouts I really have been putting in a good effort. What's it gonna accomplish if I wallow in failure? It won't finish the book, and I truly am still soooo close.

New goal? Two weeks. I really think I can do this in two weeks.

Updates to follow...